A modern translation
Silent night, holy night, -this is not going down in big cities, and I include Jerusalem.
All is calm, all is bright,- and the board at Starbucks has made sure their lattes wire us all day.
Round yon virgin mother and Child. -To all the divorced fathers out there, I feel your pain. Too many Silent nights.
Holy Infant, so tender and mild, -what do you mean she wants breast implants? She is only seventeen!
Sleep in heavenly peace,- let’s see, the medicine cabinet has ambien, lunesta, rozerem, and cialis. Oh, my bad.
Sleep in heavenly peace.- This feat is difficult to perform while on Earth. Remember ‘Soylent Green?’
Silent night, holy night, -I lay awake with thoughts of that shlub Borat considered a comic genius. Suggestion to Sacha Cohen, keep your publicist.
Shepherds quake at the sight;- they are worried about their flock and we need to know what color the terrorist alert is today.
Glories stream from heaven afar,- they have not yet reached where I live yet.
Heavenly hosts sing Alleluia!- It is much better than the Rap version.
Christ the Savior is born, -another nice Jewish boy, more competition.
Christ the Savior is born!- He has no idea yet of how tough life can be.
Silent night, holy night, -which reminds me, I am throwing out or donating all the clothes I have with holes this year.
Son of God, love’s pure light; -I am the son of Irwin and his love has not always been apparent. Note to myself: call my shrink and discuss the incident I had with him when I was twelve. However, I love him; I hope you love your father also.
Radiant beams from Thy holy face -this must mean global warming or the reaction one gets to Niacin tablets.
With the dawn of redeeming grace,- thirty-two degrees or less is seldom graceful.
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth, -Flavius Josephus, the only proven scribe of that time, might disagree. Nevertheless, what the hell (oops, forgive me lord at thy birth).
Jesus, Lord, at Thy birth.- In a few years, you will meet Herod and will be disappointed to learn that Herod had no smoked fish. Some hedonist. He will not share his women or wine, so may I suggest a somewhat long hike to Dubai? I suggest you do not tell the customs official you are a rabbi. Tell him you are on a group tour and got lost.
Silent night, holy night- easy for you but I am having a tough time finding myrrh. I wonder if Keihls carries it.
Wondrous star, lend thy light;- Denver has more sunny days per year than any other city. Time to think about moving. Why so sun greedy with Oregon or Washington?
With the angels let us sing, -I would not want to ruin a good thing, so unless your moil missed or you were a chosen eunuch of a Chinese emperor, the angels are enough. You would not make a guest appearance with the Supremes, or IL Divo, right? You know how mad Barbara can get.
Alleluia to our King;- It’s good to be a king!
Christ the Savior is born; -you mean my mother wasn’t a virgin when I was born (yech!) in Flushing, NY? I guess she was unaware that the breeding rates are cheaper in Bethlehem. So what if it is far away, Joseph and Mary made some trek through the winter to get there. Good parents.
Christ the Savior is born! -Elvis cannot compete with this dude, ‘He’ has been making news for over two thousand years. What happened to the cast members of ‘Family Ties?’ Do you think they will chant Mel Gibson in the year 4545?
I thank Franz Gruber for the original lyrics. They just needed a little update.
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